


the most beautiful things are always besides the darkest

by BabadookBabe



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Arwen - Freeform, Bipolar Disorder, Blood, Cigarettes, Drug Use, Empath, Eowyn - Freeform, F/F, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Illness, Mentally Ill Character, NPD, Narcissism, Obsession, One Shot, POV Arwen Undómiel, Queer Character, Smoking, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violent Thoughts, bipolar character, kanye lyrics, low empathy, medication use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 12:32:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15049124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabadookBabe/pseuds/BabadookBabe
Summary: And I love myself way more than I love youSee, if I was tryin' to relate it to more peopleI'd probably say I'm struggling with loving myselfBecause that seems like a common themeBut that's not the case here





	the most beautiful things are always besides the darkest

**Author's Note:**

> SO this a lyric fic, lyrics from Kanye West's "I Thought About Killing You". The lyrics are interjected in no specific order throughout the fic, in italics in between dashes (to differentiate them from italicized thoughts). This is just a weird little one shot that came to me one night while listening to the song. I'm considering having Arwen have NPD in my other fics too, but we will see. Enjoy!

_-Screamed so loud, got no lungs, hurt so bad, I go numb-_

Arwen leaned back, letting out a laugh as she breathed out foul tasting smoke. She didn’t know why she even smoked these things. When she was young, she vaguely remembered promising to herself that she’d never do drugs, never do cigarettes, be a “straight edge”. Just like her father wanted.

How ridiculous.

Smiling crookedly into the night, alone, she watched as the cig slowly burned up, mesmerized. She felt loose, everything a bit toasty at the edges.

_That’s what happens at these parties. You go in thinking you’ll do one thing, and then you do everything else._

_-I done had a bad case of too many bad days-_

There was a muted song playing from inside the party, one of the city warehouse ones that Arwen was fond of. Well, not “fond” of exactly-it was something to do, something to pass the time. Somewhere to be anything but sober. Something to keep back the dark clawing at the back of her eyes and lungs.

Taking another drag, Arwen wondered if she smoked enough of them the burning would replace the clawing. Like words trying to scramble out, or poison.

The scuff of shoes against pavement off to the side caught her ear, Arwen turning hazily to see who it was. She’d been leaning against a wall outside the warehouse, everything still damp after the most recent rain. Everything smelled sour, like the city usually does after a storm.

It was Éowyn, her long time friend of well…how many years had it been? Who knew, honestly. Arwen’s memory was mostly shot by years of drug use, sedative haze, and sleep deprivation. Everything felt faded, by nerves or worse.

_-Got too many bad traits, used the floor for ashtrays-_

Her dear friend was rocking her long blonde hair loose tonight, eyes smudged by dark makeup, poorly concealed dark circles under those blue-gray orbs. _Like storms over the sea,_ Arwen mused. A cigarette was already hanging out of the corner of her pretty mouth, eyes hooded.

_I wonder if she’s drunk. I know I am._

Éowyn’s eyes wandered over to where Arwen leaned, a faint smile curling up the corners of her mouth in her direction.

_-Just say it out loud to see how it feels-_

Arwen smiled back, blowing out smoke. “Hey there beautiful.” The words came out a bit slurred, but Éowyn’s smile grew at this all the same. Their little flirtations never quite meant anything, but never quite meaning nothing. It was a fun game all the same.

“Hey.” Éowyn said softly as she came to lean against the wall next to Arwen, the faint scent of leather and smoke hitting Arwen’s nose at her proximity. She resisted the urge to close her eyes and inhale, but just barely.

_I am drunk. Fuck. And high. Definitely high._

_-But sometimes I think really bad things-_

_Very drunk, very high._

_-Really, really, really bad things-_

Shaking away the strangeness of her thoughts, Arwen pulled a lighter out, flicking it into life. Éowyn leaned in, and in no time at all she’d lit the end. Éowyn’s eyes met hers gratefully as she breathed in, the blonde being one to forget her lighter quite often.

_Strange, considering she’s the more frequent smoker. I wonder if she does it just so I’ll light it for her…_

_Drunk, Arwen, you’re drunk._

Éowyn breathed out, smoke slipping past pale lips. Arwen’s gray eyes flickered to them, wondering faintly what it would be like to draw blood from that lower lip. She could see it now, Éowyn’s eyes wide with lust (or fear), red dripping down that delicate pale chin…

_-The most beautiful thoughts are always besides the darkest-_

Images came unbidden to her mind, Éowyn against the wall, hair hair fisted in Arwen’s hand, bruises blooming on her skin. Flooding in, hands around a pale neck, life draining. Eyes fluttering as lack of oxygen kicked in.

_-Today, I seriously thought about killing you_

_I contemplated, premeditated murder-_

The thoughts were oddly intoxicating, but Arwen couldn’t deny that it hadn’t been the first time she’d thought them. No, it wasn’t the first time at all. She cared for Éowyn, more than anything, more than Éowyn could ever know-but somewhere along the way that care had twisted into something else.

Something sinister. Something twisted. That’s what happens when someone denies themselves something for too long. It shifts, changing into something very different but still the same. Two sides of the same coin. Sometimes, some things are too good to be true-and you have to destroy them before they destroy you.

_-Today, I seriously thought about killing you-_

Arwen resisted the urge to laugh, a bitter thing bubbling up in her throat. How strange. How strange that she should feel the urge to take away the one thing that she cared for the most. But it had always been that way, hadn’t it? She was a being of deep emotions, rare, but deep when they came. Emotions that had always come close to tearing her apart. But when it came to people?

She couldn’t care less. People had always been things to use, things to cast away or destroy when she was done with them. How had Éowyn become any different? How had she wormed her way into the cracks in Arwen’s being? Cracks she’d previously thought didn’t exist.

_Life leaving gray eyes, eyes now free of the pain that often lingered in their edges. Free of anything._

_Éowyn had always felt too much._

_-I contemplated, premeditated murder-_

Arwen knew already. Éowyn was the only one who could know, the only one who could ever get it-if Arwen would just let her in. That’s what had drawn her to Éowyn in the first place-her unlimited ability to _feel_ and recognize. It was incredible, frightening almost, how deeply Éowyn felt. How deeply she _understood._

_-And I love myself way more than I love you-_

Arwen would always put herself above anyone else. She was a god among mortals so to speak, and even Éowyn couldn’t change that.

_-And I think about killing myself-_

Blood in the bath water flashed through her head, and she struggled to shake the image away. A momentary weakness, nothing more.

“Arwen? You okay?”

The gentle voice, just slightly gravelly from smoking, broke her from her reverie. Looking up, almost startled (almost, _almost,_ guilty), her eyes met concerned gray ones.

_-I think this is the part where I'm supposed to say somethin' good_

_To compensate it so it doesn't come off bad-_

Arwen turned to her and smiled, her carefree mask slipping easily (mostly) into place. “Yeah, sorry-just kind of lit.” She added a casual laugh in there for effect, relieved when she saw Éowyn’s face relax. Now was not the time. Éowyn wasn’t ready, not yet. But someday, maybe, just maybe-she would be.

_-You'd only care enough to kill somebody you love-_


End file.
